Dear Stupid Consumer, Letter 2.

This one has been annoying me for a few months now.

So explain this to me... You pay extra (yes, it costs more) for the privilege of  being the one to stir in the company determined/provided flavoring options? You know, they do have pre-made frostings where the manufacturer did the stirring for you...

Dear Stupid Consumer

If your concept of "baking" has devolved to the point where you are considering shaking water in a draino container, and putting it in the oven, it's time to just admit to yourself that you don't cook, and walk 10 feet to the bakery isle and just buy premade brownies.

Coming soon... I mock frosting...

itunes is conspiring against me

Today itunes lured me in, by shuffling in old songs that just hit the spot.


Then it decided to be mean by using those old favorites against me, the day after fathers day. And I was doing so well. 


And to top it all off, I went into the office to do my work today, and the only open space I could find was in the room with the big glass walls. So um, ya. a few people noticed. I HATE being vulnerable in front of people. Hate HATE hate HATE. 


Until Tomorrow— Juliana Hatfield
"...I knew it would end but I'm not ready
To lose you 

Heaven can wait 
until tomorrow
Give us this day
Just let me borrow some time
So we can say goodbye 

I know that you've gotta go
There are so many things I want you to know
But I don't have to say it
I don't have to explain because you know 

And maybe you wouldn't even care
But I feel the need to be there
To thank you for understanding
When I was scared 

Heaven can wait 
until tomorrow
Give us this day
Just let me borrow some time
So we can say goodbye "





Hear you me—Jimmy Eat World

There's no one in town I know

You gave us someplace to go

I never said thank you for that

Thought I might get one more chance

What would you think of me now?

So lucky

So strong

So proud

Never said thank you for that

Now I'll never have a chance

If you were with me tonight

I'd sing to you just one more time

A song for a heart so big, 

God wouldn't let it live

May angels lead you in

Hear you me, my friends

On sleepless roads the sleepless go

May angels lead you in"

Wishbone—Simon and Garfunkle

"How many people hold the ones they love

Like there's no tomorrow.

How many people know the turning hands of time

are stronger than us all."

My Lover's Gone— Dido

"...Returns no more

I will not watch the ocean

My lover's gone

no earthly ships will ever bring him home again

bring him home again"

Dark Passengers

Yes... like Dexter's dark passenger, but without the homicidal tendencies... and hopefully more temporary.

I'm thinking about how funny it is that one's dark side is "Taboo," when we'd all be healthier happier people if more people were upfront about the dark dark things they've felt or fantasized about. Then, perhaps we wouldn't feel so isolated when we were depressed or what not.

I don't mean to say that we should encourage dark thoughts, nor do I mean to imply that sharing sad tales (in true girly fashion), would wipe out the depression epedemic, BUT that the depression itself wouldn't be so isolating if one knew that others one interacts with also have dark dark moments with morbid thoughts... and that others survived.

Yesterday, for example, a 12-ish year old girl showed me some of her poems—one of which she "graded" herself giving it a 5/10 with a comment "too pessimistic" and " too depressing", as if poems are supposed to be all lollypops and rainbows. I tried to explain to her that it is okay to have negative poems because 1) poems aren't automatically good because they are happy and bad if they are sad. 2) poetry is a great outlet/coping-mechanism to deal with overwhelming emotion, and 3)Some of my favorite poems are dark.... and her poem wasn't even that dark... more like typical distraught teenage-girl (aka boy issues).

And it really bugged me that she thought that negative emotion alone would invalidate her poem.

In my opinion, for example, one friend's poems were at [gender-neutral-possessive-pronoun]) best when [gender-neutral-pronoun] was depressed. Many of the best poems come from intense emotion, and depression happens to be a wealth for that. Maybe because negative emotion can be so complex there often aren't words for it... it begs for analogies, metaphors... depth.

And a lot of people have no response when I mention (relative to the conversation, and not just out of the blue) that I hated birth control because it put me in a very dark place...

and it's not like I actually explain "the dark fantasies" I had... the one's that would probably make make my mother cry if she knew. It's just the depression itself that strikes them dumb. You can't say "Once upon a time I was depressed. The end" without some people getting uncomfortable.

So, recently I discovered "the emotional motivation" (or what not) behind a certain person's "dark" actions, and I appreciate knowing... not because I need to know, but because it is simply refreshing for someone to stand up and say "I've been somewhere dark, and I'm not ashamed that I'm not perfect."

So yes, I've had my own dark passengers. Not the kind that makes me want to murder people, but I have had my own unspeakable thoughts; I've been in that abstract place where the depression is so dense that one cannot see where the spaghetti of emotion stops or starts.

I didn't understand why I felt what I felt, and I certainly didn't know how to unravel it to make sense of it. It was too overwhelming to process, and I had many, many months of dark fantasies that made more sense to me than my own emotions did—and I longed to indulge my dark passenger. I longed to externalize my emotional pain—to be as physically helpless, vulnerable, and empty as I felt inside.

But I was lucky. I can honestly say that there were things I knew to be true that effected my decisions, and while it didn't stop the thoughts, it was enough to keep me from crossing that line from thought to action. I was blessed to know—to fully understand—that the fantasies weren't the answers they teased to be.

It wasn't easy, but it made a difference, because I had been taught as I had been taught, and I had been raised as I had been raised, and if I had been in another family, or another church, I don't know when and where I would have drawn that line (If that's not a moral on the importance of teaching your children, I don't know what is).

Somewhere safe, I have my story written down, in part. One day, I will finnish it... and one at a time, in personal settings, I might even share the details with a few of you, but until the mood is right, there is what is written here, and who knows... maybe it will make someone out there feel a little more comfortable with the fact that they've once given space to that hitchhiker—that dark passenger.

And if you don't have one, then good for you. Go throw a party for yourself.

Some things deserve to die

The thing is, I wouldn't mind so much donating a little blood here and there, but I find it utterly rude that they inject itchy venom back into you.... It is like your neighbor sneeking some roses off of your bush, then dumping plant poison on your bush before they run off.

A Good Start

I am starting to get into the swing of things again.
Balancing work, getting some things done ahead of time
Taken a few mini breaks from the catch up madness
I've begun to start baking a little again
Last night I invented Strawberry Cereal (or cut up strawberries in milk) not my best idea.

I bought a sweater de-fusser as my first "as seen on tv" product. Found it at ross, and I'm happy (and surprised) that it actually works. Not a bad $5.99 investment, seeing as it has made me look at least $20 less homeless.


I got a free audible.com download, am thoroughly enjoying Neverwhere, which I am 1.5 hours into. Much much much much more interesting than Stardust. Gained a respect for the Beckstrom's tastes in books... for now. Feel a little cheated that I am not actually reading it, and happy that the author can read his own books properly- I've had horrible experiences with author read things in the past. Authors tend to butcher their own books.

I've somehow gotten hooked on Biggest Looser. I dislike reality TV as a rule, but I caved. In the 1. 5 seasons I've watched, I've noticed that UTAH is disproportionately represented on the show, as are Mormons.

yes, I know that not all the Utahans are necessarily mormon, but some of them you can tell from their wedding photos, and others from out of state you can tell because they went to BYU. I can't help but wonder why Biggest Looser has such a large LDS following. Then again, maybe this is why.

Out with the Old

... or what I may or may not have done in the last year.

I'm not big on New Years Resolutions. It's not that I'm anti goal, Its just that I hate the idea of making them once a year, then giving up when you fail, and waiting setting the goal again a year later.

Goals are not annual things. You start working on them when you are inspired to, you don't put them off until New Years. You plan to succeed, and expect a degree of failure. When you fail, you reset the goal and try again. Many changes can take years. The point is to not give up, and instead keep hitting that reset button. You don't say, "Ug. I was going to exercise 5 days a week, their are only 3 days left and I've only worked out once... It is too late to make it to 5 days this week, so I'll just start again next week." No, you hit that reset button and say, "My workout week now starts on Thursdays. I have until Wednesday to reach this goal. If I succeed, I will try and do it again.

I had one goal that I worked on for at least 12 years. Did I make it? Heck yes I did. And i am really really glad I kept trying, because I have no doubt my life is better for it.

Because I kept hitting that reset button.

And 10 or so years into it, Yes, I was frustrated. You can't help but loose a little self respect when it's taken that long and you still haven't reached your goals. But at some point I realized something. I was failing my goal less and less often. Instead of having to hit that reset button daily, I was hitting it weekly, then monthly, then every 3 months. And each time I did something that contradicted that goal, it took less and less time before I caught and corrected myself, until...

Poof! It stuck.
I'd reached that goal. I had no idea it would have taken me so long, but I did it.

And that is why I hate the concept of New Years Resolutions. Too often we put unreasonable expectations on ourselves. Not that the goals are unreasonable, but that what may take one person a year to accomplish just might take us 12. And because we should never procrastinate our goals, because too often that means forgetting them.

Unverified studies show that those who write down their goals and track review them often are incredibly more successful. I learned that in a business class. Probably the only useful thing I learned.

And I know it is true, because last January, I wrote down goals. I wasn't planning on making life changes, nothing was really on my mind, but I had a cool idea for a jewelry blog for work...A charm bracelet for your resolutions. So I forced my self to think about goals I wanted to set, and guess what, many I'd wanted to do for years, but they never happened until 2010. Go figure.

I guess Resolutions aren't so evil.

GOALS I Succeeded at in 2010!


1. Make my own cheese and yogurt at least once! I know, it is odd, but I have been wanting to do it for a year now. (I made yogurt once, cream cheese once, and buttermilk once. )

2. (12, book) Read 12 books. I miss reading. It is about time I made time to do it again. {I did it! I really feel it helped balance out my life too. There are just somethings each person needs to make them feel more whole)

3.Travel. I never travel except for family occasions, and while I’d love to travel the world, I am going to start with some smaller goals: Get myself a passport and explore the state of Washington. (Partial Victory. We didn't make it to Washington State. We blame it on the cost and timing of Brett's Surgery, but who knows if we would have made it anyway. I did, however, get a passport! It's a start. Canada, Tia Juana, here I come!)

4. Get into a routine of walking my dog every day.(Partial Success. Everyday? Not really, but There were phases in the summer where he would get two walks a day for most days, and even in the winter, he gets good walks a few time s a week... usually.

5. Plant a garden. It’s going to have to be a balcony garden, but at least I have a balcony now!( I did so much better than I had anticipated! I lucked out with the ward garden plot. I killed a lot of plants, but I watched so many sprout! I ate a few measly carrots, had good luck with the snap peas for Brett, Ate several helpings of swiss chard, and burned many calories weeding and hoeing. Added bonus, it felt like nesting and also made me feel more "whole"/balanced)

6. Make everything from scratch. By 2011, I want to be box free… no more store bought cake mixes, brownie mixes, or pancake mixes, etc.(I'm actually surprised at how well I did here. Seriously, look in my cupboard. Sure, we may not make our own pasta, Brett may have some crackers in there, and we have a few pasta sauces, but guess what? I have homemade pancake mix in there. I have no mac and cheese boxes (though I cheated in cali over christmas) no boxed dinners, no soup cans, and I always make my brownies from scratch. We've made and canned applesauce, pasta sauce (too sweet though), Soup, Lamb stock, etc. I make soups and stews from scratch often, probably cook 2-5 times a month, and even my quick meals are more or less homemade)

7.Make exercise fun. I want to get healthy through an active lifestyle and by playing hard like a kid. Gyms just don’t motivate me.Though this fell far short of what I would have liked, I have to admit that I improved. I wen't biking (street and tame-mountain), and hiking a handful of times. it really makes me feel alive. And for the miserable days, I've even managed to make the gym more entertaining by bringing Brett's Ipad with me and reading free domain books on it)


8. Get a more normal sleep schedule. Still screwy, still tend to stay up late into the wee morning, but I have gotten a bit better. I manage to correct my sleep schedule more often, and when I do, I can usually maintain it for a week or so...


Now, to review these, my non successes, and new ideas and to set more goals!

Unsensored status

I thought I had cleared the bedroom of food when a 3 in wide trail of ants led me to a lollypop in my purse. I hope they die of diabetes.


I wish I could have Posted that in full without worrying about offending people with diabetes.

Official Name

What does one do when one has power to pick name used for a very official (though not government) document?

• Do you work in your maiden name? I'd rather not
  
• Do you work in your middle name? I think I will.
  
• Do you put (after your name ", MD." and see if they catch it? I'm certainly considering it.

I've also concidered:

• NAME NAME NAME, Necromancer extrodinaire
  
• Lady NAME NAME NAME
  
• Sir NAME NAME NAME
  
• Lady NAME NAME NAME, of Utah
  
• Her Highness, NAME NAME NAME
  
• NAME NAME NAME, level 5 Druidess
  
• NAME NAME NAME, licensed port-a-potty inspector.
  

It's rather tough, really, I've got a limited time to turn this in. And, if I don't try to sneak someting quirky in there, I will wonder for the rest of my life if I would have gotten away with it.

Daily inspiration?

A few years ago, to musicians (that I had listened to in H.S.) released new albums at the same time.

I remember thinking that one of them seamed to be coming out of the darkness, while the other was crawling into it. I was happy for the first, while a little sad for the other. So funny how we think we know musicians, and worry about them.

THE POINT: I have had an amazing few weeks. Not "Pow," "Bang," or "Holly Crap Batman" amazing, but slowly knoticing a subtle revival of soul and self, if you will. Looking back, I think the modern dancing was the first time I noticed this shift towards wholeness. It's beginning, however, to be a recurring theme. So excuse me if I'm sickeningly optimistic in my posts —one of us ought to be.

I have had a lot of warming thoughts lately, but tonight I'll keep it brief. Well, brief compared to what I was going to write

"When you cease to make a contribution, you begin to die" - Eleanor Roosevelt.

Clearly, Eleanor's hairstyle never made much of a contribution.
It's nice to actually be doing something for my church calling, finally. I also recently signed up and did my first canning assignment at the Linden Cannery, amongst other things. I even seriously concidered trying out for the Pleasant Grove Players production of And then there were none. I didn't. Not because I was afraid of how crappy my acting would be (which it probably is, and which typically scares me anytime I entertain such thoughts,) but because I found out the day of try outs. I was seriously feeling like ambitiously going for it, ready for rejection, but I had deadlines at work. shame too, because I'm sure nothing has less expectations than community theatre.
But, that is not my point. I think I've been craving to be more involved, held back for so long by my own selfishness: worried about my productivity, not wanting to commit my time to anything. Not wanting to plan. Just wanting to get fat sitting around at my computer eating chocolate and wonder why I have no friends.
But truthfully, I was a little dead inside. Not like heartless (well, maybe), but like lacking...self.

So, I think Eleanor Roosevelt nailed it, contribute or die, because being involved in life outside myself has been good for me. Even when it is picking up some other lazy-good-for-nothing's dog's poop, I'm contributing, it somehow magically and indirectly seams to effect my attitude. Stupid service

Cell phone policy

I don't know why people hate it so much when people talk on their cells in public restrooms.
Supposedly it is bad manners.


I think it is good manners when my neighbors use the phone in a public restroom. It means they are distracted and not listening to me. Then I don't feel self conscious about my man size poop plops.


And I don't take offense when people potty on the phone with me. It means they love me so much, that they don't want to say goodbye, even for something as necessary as a bad case of the tinkles. When Cell phone technology advances to where you can smell what the other person is doing, well, then I will change my mind about the whole potty thing.


Now, as for talking on the cell while someone is ringing up your groceries, that is rude.

When you see this ad

When you look at this ad I got in the mail, I ask you, what do you think they are doing on the internet? I ask because one thing pops into my head when immediately when I look at their faces, and I want to know if I am just crazy.



The other 3 people I showed it to agree with me, but it doesn't help that I told them what I thought first... you know power of suggestion and all

Dear Taxpayers

I finally got the 8k housing rebate.
Because the treasury thought I was they type of person who should be audited...

...and because the treasury realized that I am not the type of person who actually needed to be audited, your tax money went to paying me interest.


Taxpayers, I Thank you.

I don't know how I feel about this. The government (aka you) is giving me "free" (free= from your taxes) money for buying a house. Then, they (you) are giving me more money because they didn't give me the "free" money sooner.

Why? perhaps they did it because the government assumes I buy things I can't afford before I can afford them? Did they assume I bought couches and tables on credit expecting my 8k rebate to come sometime between X and X months, and then payed interest on that credit because my 8k didn't come as soon as I expected?

Thanks for having so much faith in my financial education, and for enabling me in my assumed debt-acquiring habits. Enabling me teaches me valuable lessons.

But really, I'm going to cash the check. My taxes have been thrown at other homebuyers, I intend to reclaim 8k+ of that tax money paid out by me, my parents, and my siblings.

Sometimes I am tempted..

so much fun....too bad I hear the dye stains whatever your hair touches when it is wet...

I love underdogs

you know when you fall in love with a character? A Fictional character? I've often thought about what that says about you... not the fact that you become so enthrawled with a character, BUT which characters you pick to love

A lot of people, for example think Niel Patrick Harris' character "Barney Stinson," on How I Met Your Mother is (and excuse my english)"the shiz." There are blogs and books dedicated to "Barney" quotes and "Barney" methoods for pickin' up hot girls. People think he is awesome.


I HATE HATE HATE HATE BARNEY STINSON


I would like to take this moment to tell you how much I loathe Barney Stinson. He is a prick, a douche-bag, and a self-centered-self-satisfying man-whore, and I would never ever ever date the type of person who thinks that "Barney Stinson" is their Hero.

If (pay special attention to the "if" there) I had to pick the most likable character on that show, it would have to be Ted Mosby. Nothing ever works out for Ted in Love. He's the underdog, and that I can find loveable.


BUT NOW for my true favorite TV characters....

Lee Pace as Ned in Pushing Daisys. No, he is not a manly man, and yes, there is something subtly dorky about him. He bakes awesome pies, and is an overall good person. and he was no dating machine (until of course, his childhood sweetheart Charlotte "Chuck" Charles returns)... and there is something so sad about how he can never kiss her her or she will dye.... I love it. I love him. So sweet, so sincere, so innocent. ) He's my type of dating man. and such a sweet smile.

Zachary Levi as Chuck Bartowsky on Chuck



A computer nerd, shy around girls he likes. Always wants to do what is right, and despite (inspite of?) his desperation toe become a "real" spy, he still couldn't even shoot someone who was about to kill him. He and his sister are so close (except for the spy stuff)


Now Charlotte, you ask, How does Brett feel about your fictional crushes?

1. I don't think I've ever told him. I'd tell him now, but he's asleep.
2. Um... they're fictional, brett is REAL
3. I don't sit around picturing TV characters naked... no matter how lovable they are. I don't fantasy cheat on my husband.
4. Brett is Ned/Chuck. I think that is why I love those characters so much. He is my computer nerd. He's as hopelessly in love with me as Ned and Chuck are with their female counter parts. He isn't one of those stereotypically "manly men". (aka tough guy- could have any girl he wants and knows it) He's the shy-around-girls boy that I snagged. He's the boy who probably never have gotten up the nerve to kiss me (If our first kiss hadn't been an accident [and yes, I am totally serious about that,] we likely never would have kissed and thus wouldn't now be married). Brett may not be much of a pie maker, but he cooks wonderful meals. Brett is honest, never (okay, maybe once) says anything bad about anyone, he is closer to his family than anyone else I have ever met, and Is amazingly selfless. Relationships have always been sincere for B.

B's a good person who will never be that confident stapling 007/Stinson who could command a room with his elite charisma, and I don't care. B's full of integrity and sincerity. He is my underdog. He's my fictitious fantasy, my ideal character.

R.S. Baking with food storage

I learned some useful stuff at Home making tonight... I mean Enrichment... I mean "extra relief society meeting."
Someone came from Macey's to show us how to cook with "food storage."
He was a 3 presenter (as in, on a scale of 1 to 10).

1. I learned that Morning Moo Milk does not contain Milk.
They recently added Plastic to their powder to extend the shelf life.
Yum.

He recommended the other brand they cary.

2. I learned that the Morning Moo VMS "chicken strips" taste Nasty as heck. No one liked them at all.

3. I learned that the VMS "taco" mixed with the powdered "tomato paste" tastes alright... better than some peoples cooking.
4. I learned that he VMS "taco" mixed with the powdered "tomato paste" gives me instant heart burn and bubbly gas.

I'm becoming more and more motivated to learn how to can my leftover soups and chili's and such...

I miss paying bills

And no, I'm not kidding.
I think I've mentioned that before, I actually enjoy paying bills.
It brings me some kind of inexplicable satisfaction

WHy don't they have happy photo's of people paying bills?


I've always been the one to do it, but since we've moved here Brett has taken over a bit. He likes using the Bill Pay at our secondary (now our primary... because they kick well's fargo's butt) bank. I guess it's like our vacuum... a gadget...He logs on line, and schedules payments as we get the bills (I am adamantly against setting it up to auto-pay/draft bills every month). He even uses the the bill pay to have the bank send my dad checks for our portion of the family plan (cheeper than a stamp).

And I feel like I will never get to write a check again.
At least I still have tithing...

I also miss the control... the knowing what has and has not been paid. he can tell me, but I will forget, but when I do it, I know... He says that is what he hated about me paying bills. He never knew how much money we really had. But in favor or me doing it, he forgets to check the credit card bills online (I put all of my work props-to-be-reimbursed on a card). I freaked out today and wondered when the last time I paid it was.

So, today, I resumed my thrown. I beat him to it and scheduled some of my bills. Yes, I did it online. Saves stamp money... but I still really miss signing those checks.

Dear websites

YOu ever notice that few websites that have the option of setting a price range let you set anything below 25? I'm sorry, but no one I shop for gets a 25 dollar gift... or very rarely. Not that I wouldn't like to, but I am just not that rich.... or if it is 25, it is for the whole family to share. I suppose they think I will get annoyed and buy something more expensive than I was planning for, but in truth, it just takes me longer to find a gift idea I like. Either that, or I end up buying their gift in a store because I find something their before I find something online in my price range.

A few of my favorite things- Eye liner

Many years ago, I was frustrated with eyeliner, yet dependent on it because I had recently discovered it made a huge difference on my eyes... aka people thought I was old enough to drive (a good think when you are in your 3rd year of college). So I turned to a roommate putting on her make up and asked her "Do you know of an eye liner that is liquid but doesn't flake?" For whatever reason, at the time, I couldn't get a strait line with a pencil but figured out a way to get it strait with liquid.... but every liquid I had tried thus far ended up flaking throughout the day, so my strait line ended up missing chunks. Yuuuuummmmm.

To my surprise, without any hesitation, she handed me one of these powder eyeliners from clinique. you get the brush wet, and voila!. I wish they had a darker brown though... for now I use black. I was hesitant to buy it because it was 15 bucks, but they've all lasted me close to 2 full years, so whatever. My one complaint is that I am usually in a hurry to do a make up quicky, and to get this at the right darkness and thickness I like, I have to have patience, so I often use a pencil that just ends up smudging throughout the day instead. boo.

A few of my favorite things-Silpat

I used to put down wax paper when I made cookies because I hate cleaning cookie sheets. When I discovered this trick, it made my day.

Silpats retail about 20 bucks, depending o size. I found mine at a garage sale, opened but never used, FOR 50 CENTS!
I don't have to clean my pan, nothing really sticks to the silpat yet, so cleaning it is super easy. I've used it for pizzas and cookies, and I'm excited to use it for everything I can. DON"T CUT ANYTHING ON THE MAT THOUGH! It will ruin it.